DIG deep says Brene´, an anniversary story
My husband, Daniel, loves to project an image of ease for our marriage. He’s wrong. Marriage is not easy. Ours included. I put forth, our dedication to each other is easy part. I never doubt where he stands. He always stands next to me. Sometimes, I’m running to catch up to him because he moves so damn fast and can’t ask for help… but that’s another post. Honey I love you but it’s not easy, here’s a story…
We built a deck this last weekend; the deck being a replacement gift for a Mexico vacation. “I’d like to build that deck for our anniversary/ birthday but I’ll need your help, he said. My face : 😑 “Sure, sounds great”. I did not mean that it sounded great. Previously, I’ve told my dear husband that I do not enjoy construction projects. Hard work in the Texas sun as a reprieve from the physical labor (without AC) we've been doing for months at our business, isn't my idea of celebrating. But, here we are.
At the end of day 1 of deck project, hubs was digging holes for the deck posts. He was wrestling that rented auger like a beast. He was finishing his last hole when I noticed the level of water in the hole was rising. The kids had played in mud earlier in the day, so water was already present. But my discerning eye, from inside, could tell the water was rising. He was noticing this as the same time. I witnessed my husband throw a fist to the air. It was confirmed. He had hit the water line. AGAIN.
My husband has repaired more water lines than you’d guess. This is the second water main break at this house. I did what any supportive wife would do, I took out my phone and messaged my friend. AYFKM, I’d say. I would need her support through this. It was in the 6:00 hour on a Saturday night. Daniel turned off the water to the house. I told the kids “we only have 1 flush in each toilet”. Farrah went to get bottled water from the car. I contemplated filling a bucket from the lake to give us more flushes (did you know you can flush a toilet by pouring water into the bowl? Pro tip). We always jump into action.
I finished making dinner of chicken nuggets, French fries and coleslaw. I sat down and watched my husband prepare the area and collect necessary supplies for a night time plumbing repair. He then came into the house to eat some dinner. My annoyance is present in the room, like a fart hanging in the air. He smells my annoyance but he knows it’s temporary. I never say “AYFKM to him”. I reserve that for my friend. I have messaged her more. She has encouraged me to think of who I want to be in this scenario. I don’t have to think. I know who I am in this scenario. I am the supportive, albeit annoyed, wife. I gather the bottled water. I remind kids to use Hanitizer. I make food that doesn’t involve water.
My mantra: you are annoyed at the situation, not him. There’s really not a good way to know where those water lines are. I don’t think assuming where they are is the best solution but really, what else is there? This is not easy for me. I have to work at Grace. Also, I have my period. I need a flushing toilet. I need to wash my hands. I’d also like a shower. My husband would like a shower. We’ve been outside in the dirt and sweat all day. Before he runs off to Home Depot Daniel said jokingly, “you can start digging the hole out if you want”. It’s a joke because, I do not help with fixing these plumbing problems. I know why. I blame him for the accident, so I think he should be the one to fix it. I will mention that I keep the ship sailing during all these emergency times. I keep the kids calm and focused on what we can do to survive in the moment but I never show the kids how to get us out of it. That’s his job, he got us into this muddy water. He can get us out. I have the mindset, ‘this too shall pass’ but I stop there.
I have recently re-read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. Here’s a quote that has lingered with me : “When I’m tired or stressed, I can be mean and blaming - especially toward my husband, Steve. If I truly love Steve (and, oh man, I do), then how I behave every day is as important, if not more important, than saying “I love you” every day. When we don’t practice love with the people we claim to love, it takes a lot out of us. Incongruent living is exhausting.”
I put on socks. I put on my LL Bean mud boots and I fucking went outside. I would actually dig this hole out while he was at Home Depot. I would surprise him. I surprised myself more. I would practice love, damn it Brene. I would stop blaming him for accidents and help get us out of it. I found the limited tools I could, including Tupperware, garden trowel, one of those skinny shovels, and my hands. My dad happened by the house and quickly became my assistant. He held the tools, towel for me to dry my hands, and then a light when it was time. I delicately dug out the hole racing the sunlight. When Daniel arrived back he was shocked to see me covered in mud and digging in the earth. I proudly announced “I dug the hole! You didn’t think I would but I did!” I showed up not just in my words (and child management), I showed up with my behavior.
I don’t think Brene meant for people to actually dig when she named her DIG deep button (page 3 of Gifts of Imperfection). “You know the dig-deep button, right? It’s the button that you rely on when you’re too bone-tired to get up one more time in the middle of the night or to do one more load of throw - up- diarrhea laundry or to catch one more to plane or to return one more call or to please/ perform/ prefect the way you normally do even when you just want to flip someone off and hide under the covers. The dig-deep button is a secret level of pushing through when we’re exhausted and overwhelmed, and when there’s too much to do and too little time for self care…… Men and women who live wholeheartedly do indeed DIG Deep. They just do it in a different way. When they’re exhausted and overwhelmed, they get
Deliberate in their thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation, or simply setting their intentions;
Inspired to make new and different choices;
Going. They take action.“
Just days before our 15 year anniversary I am still learning how this all works. I am still learning how I can show up for my husband. It’s not easy. I did not want to spend my night digging in mud, after a day of demo, after weeks of laborious work. Managing our life is not easy. Maintaining our connection amidst chaos, is not easy. But my dedication is effortless. I discovered my ability to DIG Deep, and dig in the mud, is present and alive. Saturday, I spoke my husband’s love language, I got dirtier than he did. Then, thanks to both of us showing up, we were able to shower that night.
